Okay, as some of you know, there have been some pretty sketchy situations going on, none of which my friends or I could control. And the past week and a half has been filled with a mixture of confusion, stress, questions, headaches, and unfortunately, worry. I won't get into it, for fear something else might erupt.
When God puts obstacles and issues in my life, which are only to test me and draw me closer to His will, I tend to over-think everything. During these times, I try my ever-most hardest to draw myself out of circumstances and out of my wants, and listen to God with an open ear, to hear what He wants and needs from me. Recently in my discipleship group, we read some passages on God's will. Matthew 6 is an awesome example of this. Jesus' prayer to God calls for God's will to be done. And I won't deny it, sometimes when I'm struggling, I look to myself. It kind of goes along the lines of, "Okay Rachel, what do you do now?" Even though most times my answer is "Okay God, what do I do now?” I tend to go my own way to try and fix things myself. And this is where I go absolutely, utterly, and hopelessly wrong.
Jesus prayed for God's will to be done, not his own. Even though He is one with God, Jesus still called for God's will, leaving us this perfect example. That I, Rachel Barr, as a human and sinner, need to look to God for all things in my life. I just can't thank Him enough for putting these occurrences in my life, along with a step by step, 1-2-3, ABC, guide to all sticky situations I may encounter, the Bible. And I know that He'll get me through every good time and every bad time that comes my way by just trusting in His will.
I have a huge issue with worrying about other people's lives. And that's a sin. Sure, God want us, as Christians, to care for others, but not to worry. This is because, in the end, we are all accountable for our own actions and thoughts. Sometimes I look at other's lives and begin question things like why they get away with what they get away with, or why they seem to be living a great life, even though they don't seem to be following God's laws. So I have contemplated a list for myself, as my own person, of what God would like my life to look like, and how I'm going to use it to be a reflection of Him. The list isn't finished, yet. I'm going to work on it over the next couple of days. And I will keep Jesus in all deliberation, because even though this list is for me, it's not about me.
More to come,
-R
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Is it time to vent yet?
I love my life. I love my God, my friends, my family; everything. Sometimes life is rolling along so smoothly, I can't help but just thank God every single second for all that He gives me. Now I have come across a few problems in the church these past couple of weeks. My high school youth group is small, very small. We are about 7 kids, give or take. Luckily, we are so blessed to have two of the best humans I've ever come across in my entire 16 years of living, who lead our group. I'm about to vent, so if you don't want to read this, then go back to facebook or something. I feel no hypocrasy whatsoever by venting on here, because for those of you who know me, I think its pathetic to vent all your drama over myspace. Sorry kids. Anyway, I'll justify my venting simply by saying this:
A. I don't care who reads this because as far as I know there are only two of you, thank you John and Kaitlin
B. Myspace, in my opinon, is full of emotionally, irrational, kids who don't know how to handle issues in their lives so they make a bulletin about or make an "fml" status. (I'm not hating, rather, observing)
C. These are my thoughts. I'm allowed to state my own opinions on life, afterall, this IS my blog....
Back to what I was saying before, my youth leaders are the one, the only, Chad and Diana. And one of the things I respect about them the most is that they invest an incredible amount of time into our lives. By incredible I mean, INCREDIBLE. We have youth three times a week, not to mention our outings which occur more than once a week on a regular, sporadic, schedule. They open up they're house for bible studies, which are free to all HIGH SCHOOLERS. Okay, we'll pause right there for a sec, because this leads to problem numero uno.
I want to say it was about three weeks ago that this whole thing started. A random guy who came from, oh I don't know, a reservation? Sure, let's go with that. Anyway, he sits in on our sunday morning high school class one sunday, and begins to tell his testimony. I won't be ashamed to tell you that all 7 or 8 of us kids were weirded out the second he got up there. He begins his "testimony" by saying something about how he used to do drugs and party, and all "that bad stuff". He spoke as if it was so long ago....Forgive me, but MONTHS ago wasn't so long ago...He also mentioned to us that he just got out of prison.........PRISON. I have to tell you, I had a strange vibe from the get-go, but once he mentioned prison, my weird-o senses were tingling and I was thinking, "Okay, someone needs to get him out of here....now." Another thing that freaked me and everyone else out was that he said, "I'm not here to replace Chad and Diana, or anything." What? Dude. No one ever mentioned anything to you about replacing them. YOU put that thought in OUR heads. Sorry, but I'd rather have two non-convicted people to be my example. The last thing that gaaaah makes me very irretated was when he said he was just there to "help out"...this was right after he explained to us that he works with the nastiest kids in the valley who do everything bad....sounded kinda like a rehab thing to me....
I thought he'd go away so I didn't take it too personal, but he showed up the next sunday. Then the following wednesday, then sunday again. And this time he gave his unwanted opinion to my very good friend, Autumn, while he was spying on our conversation about two or three rows behind us....creep-aaaaay. But that wasn't the end of it. That night we had After-glow at Chad and Diana's and HE came. I made an effort to avoid him. Bleck. Just thinking about him makes me uncomfortable, sorry. This was last sunday. And now its wednesday. And yesterday I cracked and told my parents how I felt about this guy and then I found out more things about him that he took one of the Jr highers home from the After-glow...alone. What can you expect from an ex-conny?
Time for youth, more to come.
-R
A. I don't care who reads this because as far as I know there are only two of you, thank you John and Kaitlin
B. Myspace, in my opinon, is full of emotionally, irrational, kids who don't know how to handle issues in their lives so they make a bulletin about or make an "fml" status. (I'm not hating, rather, observing)
C. These are my thoughts. I'm allowed to state my own opinions on life, afterall, this IS my blog....
Back to what I was saying before, my youth leaders are the one, the only, Chad and Diana. And one of the things I respect about them the most is that they invest an incredible amount of time into our lives. By incredible I mean, INCREDIBLE. We have youth three times a week, not to mention our outings which occur more than once a week on a regular, sporadic, schedule. They open up they're house for bible studies, which are free to all HIGH SCHOOLERS. Okay, we'll pause right there for a sec, because this leads to problem numero uno.
I want to say it was about three weeks ago that this whole thing started. A random guy who came from, oh I don't know, a reservation? Sure, let's go with that. Anyway, he sits in on our sunday morning high school class one sunday, and begins to tell his testimony. I won't be ashamed to tell you that all 7 or 8 of us kids were weirded out the second he got up there. He begins his "testimony" by saying something about how he used to do drugs and party, and all "that bad stuff". He spoke as if it was so long ago....Forgive me, but MONTHS ago wasn't so long ago...He also mentioned to us that he just got out of prison.........PRISON. I have to tell you, I had a strange vibe from the get-go, but once he mentioned prison, my weird-o senses were tingling and I was thinking, "Okay, someone needs to get him out of here....now." Another thing that freaked me and everyone else out was that he said, "I'm not here to replace Chad and Diana, or anything." What? Dude. No one ever mentioned anything to you about replacing them. YOU put that thought in OUR heads. Sorry, but I'd rather have two non-convicted people to be my example. The last thing that gaaaah makes me very irretated was when he said he was just there to "help out"...this was right after he explained to us that he works with the nastiest kids in the valley who do everything bad....sounded kinda like a rehab thing to me....
I thought he'd go away so I didn't take it too personal, but he showed up the next sunday. Then the following wednesday, then sunday again. And this time he gave his unwanted opinion to my very good friend, Autumn, while he was spying on our conversation about two or three rows behind us....creep-aaaaay. But that wasn't the end of it. That night we had After-glow at Chad and Diana's and HE came. I made an effort to avoid him. Bleck. Just thinking about him makes me uncomfortable, sorry. This was last sunday. And now its wednesday. And yesterday I cracked and told my parents how I felt about this guy and then I found out more things about him that he took one of the Jr highers home from the After-glow...alone. What can you expect from an ex-conny?
Time for youth, more to come.
-R
I Once Was Blind, but Now I See
I’ve always been a Christian, and have always loved God, but it wasn’t until one event that revived my relationship with Him, making it feel so sincere and real for the first time in my life. In October 2009 my mother found out about a mother-daughter purity conference. The second she brought it to my attention, I thought it was a good opportunity so I agreed to go. I learned a lot which lead me to change my life in a very positive way.
My life before the purity conference wasn’t the way God called His people to live. I dealt with a lot of self-hate and negativity towards those around me. These personal problems weren’t quite apparent to me at the time. I wasn’t really sure what I was doing wrong in my walk with Christ, but I knew it wasn’t all there, and I knew I wasn’t giving Him my all. I was still holding onto something, and that was my selfishness and insecurity. I was too focused on the things that are not necessarily important in life, such as outward appearance, rather than internal beauty, and doing all that I could to gain the false love from people I despised, rather than accepting the unconditional love my God has for me. Another thing I wasn’t aware of before the conference was the fact that actions speak so much louder than words, and my actions were speaking loud for sure, but in a negative tone; words of hate and slander towards other people.
When we first arrived to the parking lot at Rancho Community Church I was a little nervous. My mom, sister, and I signed in and walked into the facility to see a large amount of girls and moms, ranging from middle school, to college age. They’re smiling faces put me to ease at once, and we entered the sanctuary, finding seats in the middle row. I whispered to my sister, “Are you excited?” and she just giggled. As we sat there for a few more minutes the lights suddenly dimmed and the room became dark. Gradually the stage lights came on in multi color, and out came the worship band. They thanked us for coming in their introduction, and then we prayed and sang some worship songs. It was amazing to be in a huge room filled with girls and their mothers who were looking for a stronger bond, not only with each other, but with the Lord. The words in those songs touched me on a deep, personal level. Some of them were songs I’ve sang before, some of them I found myself singing for the first time, yet I meant every word that proceeded from my mouth.
The band was all boys, but one girl who was the speaker. The boys were asked questions from the young women in the audience, and they answered them as well as they could. One main answer that stuck out to me was that they’re opinion of a beautiful girl couldn’t be found in a magazine, because true beauty to them comes from within. And adding onto that statement, they said that true beauty is to love God with a pure and honest heart. This answered all my questions about what real, sincere beauty was to look like.
The next event that took place involved splitting each group up by grade. I went with high school since I’m in high school, and my mother went with the huge group of other mothers. I made sure I had my mind and ears open and ready to take in all the information I was about to perceive. The speaker gave her testimony and talked about how sometimes God puts up obstacles in our path of life, only to bring us closer to Him. That stuck on my heart because as humans, I accept that we all go through hard times and trials in our lives, when we feel like our world is tumbling down. I felt a nod of agreement in my heart to everything that was being portrayed. She mentioned that when we feel this way we must remember that God is always there for us, even when we can’t sense His presence. What was also brought to my attention was that when we’re going through struggles in our lives, we just have to look to God to be our every bit of strength, and put all of our faith in Him, just having the pure knowledge that He’ll save us from our despair. This testimony brought to my attention that whenever I’m feeling lonely or insecure, that I know for a fact that I can find complete confidence in Jesus Christ.
A couple hours into the time of splitting up, it was time to gather as a full group yet again. We all went back to the sanctuary and worshipped and prayed more, then one of the main speakers went up and gave her testimony. During her testimony I paid extreme attention to what she had to say. She made it very apparent that loving God and abiding in His love required more than what I had thought it required. Even though I know we all sin, even I, it was more than just telling God that I was sorry. I knew it was much more than that. I had to fully put all my love, hope, and faith in Him; abiding in Him. I had heard everything that she spoke of in my earlier days of life, but nothing ever fully stuck to my heart as much as it did during that conference. After her testimony I finally knew what my purpose in life truly was: to connect to a loving God; to conform to a right God; to come to a holy God.
A major event that took place during that conference, and I’ll never forget, was the skit some of the volunteers performed. The skit told a story of a girl who had a strong relationship with God. She was created by a God who loves her and cares so deeply for her, yet the sins of the world such as greed, lust, drug abuse, vanity, and depression come into her life and swallow her up. She runs into people who get her into using substances to replace true love. The whole time she knows God is watching her stray farther and farther from Him, yet she continues down the wrong path. At the end she is about to end her life, but remembers the true, sincere love God has for His children, and that the only way to live is through Christ Jesus so she runs back to Jesus’ sincere, pure, true love. And He welcomes her with open arms, holding back all sin. This broke me. I cannot say that I could perfectly relate to the scene because I’ve never substituted God for any of the substances in the skit, but I know for a fact that there was many times where I did the wrong thing, rightly knowing that I was wrong. There were also countless amount of times where I’d put on a fake smile so people would think I was happy. And I was unhappy because I kept ignoring God, and ignoring His love, His agape. This affected me on a very emotional level to the point where I broke down and cried throughout the entire skit.
I truly believe that there is ultimate victory through Jesus and my eyes were opened wide open from there on out. It became apparent to me that I wasn’t living in God’s light; I was living in darkness and self-hate, filled with all the insecurities the world has to offer. The speakers at the purity conference had been through a lot of the same struggles as I have in my life, so it was certainly reassuring to know that I wasn’t the only one. It was great to know I could finally relate to other children of God. I learned some valuable meanings during that conference that I’ll carry with me through all my days. I learned that we, as Christians, need to focus on what we have, not on what we don’t have. I also learned to respect myself as a child of God, and not someone who is just simply following the wicked ways of the world. The most important thing I learned is that I need to continually invest all my love, hope, and faith into Jesus Christ. That day I lost all my insecurities, and became fully confident in Christ alone.
My life before the purity conference wasn’t the way God called His people to live. I dealt with a lot of self-hate and negativity towards those around me. These personal problems weren’t quite apparent to me at the time. I wasn’t really sure what I was doing wrong in my walk with Christ, but I knew it wasn’t all there, and I knew I wasn’t giving Him my all. I was still holding onto something, and that was my selfishness and insecurity. I was too focused on the things that are not necessarily important in life, such as outward appearance, rather than internal beauty, and doing all that I could to gain the false love from people I despised, rather than accepting the unconditional love my God has for me. Another thing I wasn’t aware of before the conference was the fact that actions speak so much louder than words, and my actions were speaking loud for sure, but in a negative tone; words of hate and slander towards other people.
When we first arrived to the parking lot at Rancho Community Church I was a little nervous. My mom, sister, and I signed in and walked into the facility to see a large amount of girls and moms, ranging from middle school, to college age. They’re smiling faces put me to ease at once, and we entered the sanctuary, finding seats in the middle row. I whispered to my sister, “Are you excited?” and she just giggled. As we sat there for a few more minutes the lights suddenly dimmed and the room became dark. Gradually the stage lights came on in multi color, and out came the worship band. They thanked us for coming in their introduction, and then we prayed and sang some worship songs. It was amazing to be in a huge room filled with girls and their mothers who were looking for a stronger bond, not only with each other, but with the Lord. The words in those songs touched me on a deep, personal level. Some of them were songs I’ve sang before, some of them I found myself singing for the first time, yet I meant every word that proceeded from my mouth.
The band was all boys, but one girl who was the speaker. The boys were asked questions from the young women in the audience, and they answered them as well as they could. One main answer that stuck out to me was that they’re opinion of a beautiful girl couldn’t be found in a magazine, because true beauty to them comes from within. And adding onto that statement, they said that true beauty is to love God with a pure and honest heart. This answered all my questions about what real, sincere beauty was to look like.
The next event that took place involved splitting each group up by grade. I went with high school since I’m in high school, and my mother went with the huge group of other mothers. I made sure I had my mind and ears open and ready to take in all the information I was about to perceive. The speaker gave her testimony and talked about how sometimes God puts up obstacles in our path of life, only to bring us closer to Him. That stuck on my heart because as humans, I accept that we all go through hard times and trials in our lives, when we feel like our world is tumbling down. I felt a nod of agreement in my heart to everything that was being portrayed. She mentioned that when we feel this way we must remember that God is always there for us, even when we can’t sense His presence. What was also brought to my attention was that when we’re going through struggles in our lives, we just have to look to God to be our every bit of strength, and put all of our faith in Him, just having the pure knowledge that He’ll save us from our despair. This testimony brought to my attention that whenever I’m feeling lonely or insecure, that I know for a fact that I can find complete confidence in Jesus Christ.
A couple hours into the time of splitting up, it was time to gather as a full group yet again. We all went back to the sanctuary and worshipped and prayed more, then one of the main speakers went up and gave her testimony. During her testimony I paid extreme attention to what she had to say. She made it very apparent that loving God and abiding in His love required more than what I had thought it required. Even though I know we all sin, even I, it was more than just telling God that I was sorry. I knew it was much more than that. I had to fully put all my love, hope, and faith in Him; abiding in Him. I had heard everything that she spoke of in my earlier days of life, but nothing ever fully stuck to my heart as much as it did during that conference. After her testimony I finally knew what my purpose in life truly was: to connect to a loving God; to conform to a right God; to come to a holy God.
A major event that took place during that conference, and I’ll never forget, was the skit some of the volunteers performed. The skit told a story of a girl who had a strong relationship with God. She was created by a God who loves her and cares so deeply for her, yet the sins of the world such as greed, lust, drug abuse, vanity, and depression come into her life and swallow her up. She runs into people who get her into using substances to replace true love. The whole time she knows God is watching her stray farther and farther from Him, yet she continues down the wrong path. At the end she is about to end her life, but remembers the true, sincere love God has for His children, and that the only way to live is through Christ Jesus so she runs back to Jesus’ sincere, pure, true love. And He welcomes her with open arms, holding back all sin. This broke me. I cannot say that I could perfectly relate to the scene because I’ve never substituted God for any of the substances in the skit, but I know for a fact that there was many times where I did the wrong thing, rightly knowing that I was wrong. There were also countless amount of times where I’d put on a fake smile so people would think I was happy. And I was unhappy because I kept ignoring God, and ignoring His love, His agape. This affected me on a very emotional level to the point where I broke down and cried throughout the entire skit.
I truly believe that there is ultimate victory through Jesus and my eyes were opened wide open from there on out. It became apparent to me that I wasn’t living in God’s light; I was living in darkness and self-hate, filled with all the insecurities the world has to offer. The speakers at the purity conference had been through a lot of the same struggles as I have in my life, so it was certainly reassuring to know that I wasn’t the only one. It was great to know I could finally relate to other children of God. I learned some valuable meanings during that conference that I’ll carry with me through all my days. I learned that we, as Christians, need to focus on what we have, not on what we don’t have. I also learned to respect myself as a child of God, and not someone who is just simply following the wicked ways of the world. The most important thing I learned is that I need to continually invest all my love, hope, and faith into Jesus Christ. That day I lost all my insecurities, and became fully confident in Christ alone.
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