Story of My Lack of Faith

This summer has been incredibly different; not like any other I've had. I have been working at a Christian Camp in Idyllwild since June 19th..and never expected it to go this way. Come to think of it I had no idea what was going to occur, but I knew that God was going to do some work on my Christan walk with Him. I just didn't know exactly how He was going to do it. It's true, God does work in mysterious ways, and sometimes I am so amazed at how He gets His work accomplished. I do believe he is perfect and omnipotent, but it's deeper than just believing when I see Him working directly in my life. Me of all people. God threw in some great experiences so far this summer, painful at times, but oh so worth it. I went through enormous stress at some points, causing me to have self doubt and internal pain. I felt this way for the last part of June up until a couple of days ago. God relieved me. He lifted the heavy burden that lay upon my shoulders. I could finally breath in His goodness with a clear mind, and let me tell you, it's the best feeling I've ever felt, which is the Holy Spirit giving me clear directions of where to head next in life. The first book that came to my mind this morning during my devotions was Psalm. So I flipped over from Jonah to Psalm, and read the first page I landed on. It just so happen to Psalm 106, and the first verse in NKJ says this: "Praise the Lord! Oh, give thanks to the Lord, for He is good! For His mercy endures forever." This verse can't be more true. It hit me hard when I read this. God wanted me to read this. He wanted to remind me of all that He's done in the past couple of days. And praise be to Him for everything! As I read on I came to verse 3, which is basically saying, blessed are those who are righteous until the end, no matter what. No matter what I go through I really do need to reflect on what God has already accomplished in my life, and let go of any doubt that Satan tried to slip into my life. When I read this verse I thought of another verse to go along with it, and that is to leave all judgment to God, (1 Cor 4:5). I need to have persistent faith that God will take care of my problems, and that He will give people what they deserve; it's not up to me. And praise be to God for that! The next part of the passage that stood out to me was verses 6 and 7, when David reminds us about how the Israelites lacked faith in God, even after He promised to lead them out, and even after He has shown them many miracles, signs, and blessings. Through all of that, the Israelites still lacked faith, and I can't blame them, for I have lacked faith many times in my journey of life. And I've come to the realization that lacking faith and trust in God is an utter waste of time. It does nothing but draw us off course with our relationship with Him, only to come back to the same place that we started at, only so that God can show us the true, pure way. Back to the verses, God kept His promise lively, and He did eventually free them from Egypt, but only after struggles from disobedience from the Israelites. I can see God doing this in my life actively; giving me what I don't deserve and keeping His promise that He'll never leave me. In verses 11 and 12 God proves His way is better; His way of obeying Him and trusting Him. I'll have to agree with that. Things are better God's way. As this summer persisted, so did my weariness and lack of faith. But again, God provided a way out of my suffering, all I had to do was suck it up and grasp on to the small amount of faith I had. God reminded me that He's in control of my life, and just like that, the pain in my life vanished; gone. Even when I had some occurrences which made me lose complete confidence, God was there holding my hand, and lending a shoulder to cry on. All I needed to do was let go of my desires to make room for God's. But God showed up plain as day, and clear as a starry night. I try not to lack faith, but sometimes I fail at it. Then I ask myself, "how could I not have faith in my perfect God? And why is it that I lack faith, even though I know God is sovereign? Why do I let myself slip into Satan's lies so easily? It may be that I need more experiences in life; more chances to say yes to god, and no to me. Until I can hold my head up high and say with utter confidence, "My faith is found in Christ alone. On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand." But through this experience I gladly stand up and give God the glory that He is worthy of, for delivering me out of pain and burdens too heavy, even when I lacked the slightest amount of faith. This leads me to verses 13-15, how the Israelites failed to put in God's best interest, but rather, their own. Which caused them to stumble and made the journey more difficult. Even though I lack faith at times with my walk with God, it grows immensely through my struggles. And isn't that better than enduring those same struggles, yet not growing? I would boldly say yes. My relationship with God shouldn't be selfish. God keeps his promises and faithfulness in me, so He expects the same back. I have no problem with this system of life. I am no longer the same person I was in the beginning of this summer. And i will proudly stand up and say so. I admit I have my downfalls, but I'm not going to let my sin, or others' sin pull me back from the kind of beautiful relationship I can have with my Lord and Saviour. I won't let Satan take the reigns no longer. God is in control of my life. Whatever He says, goes. And wherever He goes, I go. I will continue to look back on this summer, and how God changed my life. And I'll continue to let Him have His way in me, wherever that may be. More to come.

-R